coffee cups

winter winds

2012-02-19T09:59:00.001-08:00

and if your strife strikes at your sleep
remember spring swaps snow for leaves
you'll be happy and wholesome again
when the city clears and sun ascends

- mumford & sons

january

2012-01-30T05:11:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged consistently for quite a time now. so, i have committed to blogging at least once a month, chronicling its highlights through photographs.

i took to blogging in 2005. these were my first ever posts "senswal" and "zaila's space". after, 17,968 site visits (this site traffic might be attributed to one post i wrote wherein i mentioned the movie "midnight in paris"), i have come a long way. and, here's where i am now...

i've always loved to bake. i grew up watching my nanay concoct delicious meals and sumptuous desserts. every time she bakes cake, my siblings and i will rally around her to have a taste of the chocolate batter she is preparing, licking our fingers and yum-yummying our way back to the living room to continue watching "super book".

when i came to the united states, the land of plenty, where all ingredients you need are available and accessible, where you have a kitchen that's a haven for cooks and chefs, ironically, i did not bother lifting my fingers to sift flour nor wear an apron to bake. until the day i tried baking red velvet cupcakes with mascarpone frosting and dulce de leche filling. that was the end of my non-chalance.

i have always loved the new yorker . while i was still in the philippines, i used to be content reading articles on-line. my favorite is their fiction section. i will read stories after stories and be taken by how great a writer the author is. where did she came up with that idea? how did he manage to infuse every single thought down to the minutest detail in his mind and make a story out of it so fluidly? now, i have my one year subscription of the new yorker courtesy of my first year highschool seatmate :)

i'm currently teaching in an awesome school. our students are amazing. sometimes, you will find your self hear someone screaming from the field uttering the words "miss, i love you!!!!". sometimes, kids will gang up around you to give you a group hug. they will open doors or carry books for you. then, when you assign essays you will be astounded with how much they have grown... they will even teach you a thing or two. when they take their next test they will become the top scorers when a few months back they were struggling. when you tutor them they will ask what your name is because they like how you teach them, wishing they will have you back once the next tutoring session comes. i am content. i am very happy with what i do. but, i dream of something else. i want to pursue the dictates of my heart. i know god will answer my prayers when he deems for it to be ripe. i am ready to move my cheese.

hibiscus sinensis (its scientific name i've learned in my botany class during college which i flunked the first time) or popularly known as gumamela in the philippines. when we were little, we used to make soap bubbles using tide powder and gumamela. we would crush the flowers using stone and then use its stem with a looped end to blow bubbles. beautiful childhood memories. hereon, i look forward to making fresh, new memories with my family. it's almost 5 years since i last saw them. i dream of moments full of love. laughter. durian. fine, white sand beach. sun-burnt skin. rosy cheeks. hugs. paksiw na pata. mt. apo. zaila. ayn. isabela. home.

finally, i will leave you with this. thank you. salamat.

bagong pag-asa

2011-12-30T17:09:00.000-08:00

"we are God's dream, and he...ours."

this has been a wonderful year filled with blessings and answered prayers. it was not devoid of struggles, trials and pain which made it all the more beautiful & meaningful. it was filled with wonderful surprises, mouth-gasping moments, interesting places, AHA moments... and the realization that life is so full of love, magnificence, promise & possibilities if we allow it to be...

thank you... thank you... more please...

quote

2011-10-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

i read this quote from a friend's status. it is so powerful.

do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. check your road and the nature of your battle.

the world you desired can be won. it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

1,460 days

2011-07-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

1,460 days ago, i landed in san francisco. received warmly and lovingly by my family in vallejo. little did i know that a whole different and much more challenging world awaits me. i was a little fish in a big pond. and drown i did, big time! the american dream was not something i perceived it to be. indeed, it was the land of milk and honey. full of promises and endless opportunities, but, it can be very harsh and distant and cold at times. it will test, time and again, what you are truly made of... if you can withstand failures, disappointments and struggles...if you can survive your very own...self.

i experienced to hit rock bottom. i am not alone in that aspect. everyone of us have mountains to climb. oceans upon oceans to cross...and we always manage to bounce back and rise gracefully with the help of the people around us...our family... our friends...faith...hope...perseverance...love....God...

amidst all of these, it has been a worthwhile and blessed journey. i met great and amazing people. there was a time when i walked in a director's office of a university, with a resume in hand, i asked him if i can work in his department for free. i told him, i just wanted to learn more about urban and regional planning. its dynamics, how it works in this part of the world. and, what he gave me was an opportunity that changed my life forever. i landed a job, instead. i became an adjunct professor. i learned so many things that i carry with me. i know it will served me really well and prepare me for what is to come.

i am thankful for these 1,460 days...i am grateful...i gave praise to thee...

thank you...more please...

3 things i look forward to :)

2011-07-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

the tao of pooh

2011-07-02T09:31:00.001-07:00

how can you get very far,
if you don't know who you are?
how can you do what you ought,
if you don't know what you've got?
and if you don't know which to do
of all the things in front of you,
then what you'll have when you are through
is just a mess without a clue
of all the best that can come true
if you know What and Which and Who.

quotes inspired by "midnight in paris"

2011-06-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

in the beginning of the movie, the camera spanned and soaked itself to the beauty and grandeur known as paris. owen wilson's character was a defeatist & somewhat weak until he was transported back to the jazz age...the 1920's. therein, he found himself in the same universe as ernest hemingway, gertrude stein, t.s. eliot, scott fitzgerald, salvador dali, pablo picasso... great minds, great thinkers of their time whose works, paintings and writings made its way to our time. watching the movie is like sitting in barnes and noble, sipping cafe mocha and looking at the images of writers and artist on the wall...and that is so rad...

here are some quotes i googled inspired by the movie "midnight in paris":

if you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.
ernest hemingway

everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something. gertrude stein

genius is the ability to put into effect what is on your mind.
f. scott fitzgerald

nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.
zelda fitzgerald

only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
t. s. eliot

inspiration exists, but it has to find us working.
pablo picasso

at the age of six i wanted to be a cook. at seven i wanted to be napoleon. and my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
salvador dali

we are adhering to life now with our last muscle - the heart.
djuna barnes

beautiful? it's all a question of luck. i was born with good legs. as for the rest... beautiful, no. amusing, yes.
josephine baker

age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
luis bunuel

don't put my name on it. these are simply documents i make.
man ray

i don't know whether i believe in god or not. i think, really, i'm some sort of buddhist. but the essential thing is to put oneself in a frame of mind which is close to that of prayer.
henri matisse

good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.
cole porter

food

2011-06-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

i've always loved looking at food blogs... i don't know why but looking at those beautifully crafted gourmet food and whatnot captivates me. i can stare at food pictures hours on end. i love to be around the kitchen too and work on a masterpiece.

so, one day i baked an almond crusted salmon which i learned from my roommate and i decided to upload it in a website i use to frequent to snoop on what other people are eating. lo and behold! los angeles times approve it and it's one of their featured food today. it is not rocket science to get your picture in their website but it sure made me feel extra happy :)

kulay

2011-06-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

maybe we should develop a crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. a happiness weapon. a beauty bomb. and every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. it would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. floating down to earth - boxes of crayolas. and we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. with silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. and people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination. ~robert fulghum

life and vibrance jumps out of a box of crayons. the colors may symbolize your mood, the seasons and how you view yourself and the world around you. it symbolizes life itself. yellow is sunshine and joy. it spreads warmth and comfort all around us. green is nature and good luck, while, red can show a range of conflicting emotions. blue is calming and white symbolizes peace and purity. orange is vibrant. each color represents a wide spectrum of ideals and can be associated with our thoughts and feelings.

color is all around us. it gives our lives more meaning. it’s a splendid world we are living in! thanks to the colors of a rainbow. thanks to a bluish-greenish sea that is so inviting. thanks to the color of the sunset that rouses our imagination. thanks to sunshine that gives us hope. thanks to a white sand that always enthralls the child in us.

and so, like a box of crayons, i want to bring joy and happiness! (pang ms. universe ang linyang ito) if can choose a color to symbolize who i am, i will pick none because i want a combination of every color there is that will help spread joy and happiness to those people around me. i’d rather be a blend of every color and every hue, with that i can “paint “ and become every good things possible just like a rainbow.

photo by Z

breathe

2011-06-11T05:19:00.001-07:00

ast night, i was tinkering an app named classicly which lead me to a book entitled "the alpine path" by lucy maud montgomery. as i was perusing the pages, i stumbled upon verses that meant so much to the author. before the night was over, it became mine too:

"to the fringed gentian"

then whisper, blossom in thy sleep

how i may upward climb

the alpine path, so hard,

so steep,

that leads to heights sublime;

how i may that far-off goal

of true and honoured fame,

and write upon its shining scroll

a woman's humble name

found

2011-05-17T09:12:00.001-07:00

words are tears that have been written. tears are words that need pouring out. without them no joy can shine, no sadness can come to an end. so, thank you for your tears. life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by their covering cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. remove the covering and you will find beneath a living splendor woven of love, by wisdom with power. welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the angel's hand that brings it to you. everything we call a trial, a sorrow or a duty, the angel's hand is there, the gift is there and the wonder of an overshadowing presence.

fra giovanni

34

2011-04-24T18:10:00.001-07:00

these are some insights i have lost, gained and regained throughout the years. some of it were just sitting in the archives waiting to be unearthed. most of it remain true until now. these are my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations...something to look forward to:

nothing good gets away.
family is everything. sometimes, you have to make sacrifices even if it means being away from them for a very long time.
stay hungry. stay foolish.
connect the dots. probably, you've tried this before. when you look back in the past, you'll realize that all of your experiences, your disappointments, your failures were essential ingredients for what you enjoy now...for what you have...for who you are...
yes, you are right! #3-#4 were hallowed from the commencement speech given by steve jobs to stanford graduates :)
pray. it is one step of becoming closer to thy self, to thy Almighty.
exercise. it is never too late. it's a serotonin booster!
smile and be friendly. the other day i greeted an old man in spanish @ publix. i guess, it made him happy. in return, he helped me with all of the fresh produce i was buying by giving me a bag for my bananas and asparagus. i did not expect that.
affirm your self every single moment. "i affirm for my hair to stay this way" - ellen degeneres
take accountability and responsibility for your self, your own happiness and for other people's well-being.
volunteer. i have not done this for a very long time. that's why i feel that something is amiss. after my test, i'll volunteer my time again.
i've learned to live without t.v.
friends are a gift.
forge new friendships. reach out.
strike a conversation or two. you'll learn a thing or two.
listen to the young and old alike. they carry a spark.
lol...it's good for the soul <3
being impulsive is both my strength and weakness.
i want to go to new york, hawaii, explore more of california, europe, singapore & australia (i have wonderful friends in both countries).
i want to put up my own cafe with a small bookstore in the future.
i want to work as a waitress part-time. i think it's wonderful to talk to people and serve them food.
i want to be of service to my country in the near future...i don't know when, i don't know how...but i'll get there.
God is in the details. every time i worry. every time i become anxious. i just remind myself that everything is taken cared of...like how it always is.
i like reading food blogs. i just discovered this one the other day --> http://www.onokinegrindz.net/
i like bianca gonzales. i read her blog regularly. http://www.iamsuperbianca.com/
i love chocolates and chocolates and chocolates. i can never get enough of it. them chocolates have to be taken in moderation.
i want to be an urban planner. this has been my ardent wish since i was in davao.
if i go back to school again, i want to take MBA.
zaila, ayn and alex are my angels. they are so full of creative energies. i get strength from them. i look forward to hugging and kissing and eating taho with them one day soon.
life is hard and difficult at times. it can get lonely too. but once you step outside of yourself and begin to connect with something greater than who you are...it feels light again...
the beach is my sanctuary.
introspection. seek and you shall find. ask and it shall be given.
resilience.
<3

2 of my most favorite desserts...tiramisu & polvoron :)

as a man thinketh by james allen

2011-04-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

i go back to reading "as a man thinketh" by james allen every so often. i find in it the universe's wisdom unfolding in every word, in everything left for us to decipher and absorb. after reading a line or two, i find a sense of balance...

here are some quotes, i thought were most reassuring:

not what he wishes and prays for does a man get, but what he justly earns. his wishes and prayers are only gratified and answered when they harmonize with his thoughts and actions
man has but to right himself to find that the universe is right; and during the process of putting himself right he will find that as he alters his thoughts towards things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him
a man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances
be not impatient in delays But wait as one who understands; when spirit rises and commands The gods are ready to obey
he who cherishes a beautiful vision, a lofty ideal in his heart, will one day realize it

wake me gently...

2011-04-03T12:37:00.001-07:00

Broken from Freek van Haagen on Vimeo.

tahanan

2011-03-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

i think about you every single moment that i have been away for almost 1,335 days now. i look forward to the day when i'll land, when i'll touch down in your glorious soils that propelled and emboldened me to be where i am today...

i look forward to the day when i'll share your joys, your loves and be ever filled with your heavenly laughter as we take in all the simple pleasures and beauty of life...

i am bound to you... i am connected to you in thought, in spirit...

one day soon... one day soon...i will patiently await its coming, its ebbing and flowing...

until i arrive...

an attempt @ haiku

2011-03-20T12:22:00.001-07:00

i see stars glisten

in the darkness of the night

as i pray for grace…

couer

2011-03-17T04:04:00.001-07:00

at one point, i feel that i gravitate towards becoming my own destiny with a blind eye, groping in the dark and yet finding inspiration in everything that surrounds me, that touches me and evokes calmness and being.

as light slowly ruptures its breadth, spanning through it all - my joys, my fears, my frailties, my strengths - wisdom seeps in… the dream revealed.

my name is "i am"

2011-02-28T15:29:00.001-08:00

i was regretting the past

and fearing the future.

suddenly my Lord was speaking:

“my name is I Am.” he paused.

i waited. he continued,

when you live in the past

with its mistakes and regrets,

it is hard. i am not there,

my name is not "I WAS”.

when you live in the future

with its problems and fears,

it is hard. i am not there.

my name is not I WILL BE.

when you live in this moment,

it is not hard. i am here.

my name is I AM.

by helen mallicoat

takip-silim

2011-02-13T10:14:00.001-08:00

parang kanina lamang, nasa palad nya ang alapaap,

di maramdaman,

di mahawakan,

ngunit kagyat na nagbibigay saya

at galak…

may liwanag sa dilim,

ang sabi nila…

higit kang malakas,

higit kang matatag,

sa bugso ng sigalot,

pumagitna ka bulong ng hangin

at payapa kang sasabay sa ugoy ng buhay,

at sa pag-yanig ng lupa,

sa pag-agos ng alat-tubig sa dalampasigan…

sa muli mong paglingap,

nakatayo kang kaharap ang matayog na araw,

may alindog ang takip-silim,

may pangako ng pag-asa…

halina…

one of my favorite places on earth ♥

sensation

2011-02-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

she had always loved the feel of keys around her fingertips… she taps to function, hobnobbing with the machine in front of her, it’s another day in the office.

she had always loved the sound her fingertips produce as she types while sade harmonizes with it, fading slowly into the background. music… her movements… are completely attuned as she set her mind to work yet transfixed to another thought and yet another thought, aimlessly wondering about something else...something more...while nibbling a pack of m & m’s taking all the green ones first… letting its sweetness linger as she sits through her day…

then, she drifts to more of what her hands can create…what her body can feel… what her mind can discover, which can be as commonplace as breathing… albeit so simple but oft stifled, but oft suppressed.

it is comparable to the rise and fall of ocean tides.

it is fluid.

it is akin to throwing your body to the rhythm of space, embracing what you cannot touch.

it flows.

it is allowing your body to discover its own secrets.

it is strength.

it is vulnerability.

john updike once wrote that it is us who were witnessing the stars. they knew nothing of themselves, so in this dimension we are greater than they.

snap. tap…tap…tap…

snap…

she looks up, the clock signals it’s quarter passed five.

and she smiles…

tanglaw

2011-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

sa bawat patak ng ulan na patuloy na nagbibigay buhay sa kagubatan,sa mga luhang kanyang kinubli sa dapit-hapon, sa mga ngiting maaaninag mo sa kanyang mga mata, sa kanyang mga labi, ang bawat hibla ng kanyang nakaraan patuloy…patuloy na naglalayong mag-bigay gabay sa kanyang paglalayag sa buhay...

ang mga kamay niyang naglalayong bumuo, humubog ng isang magandang bukas… kasama ang mga diwata, kasama ang kalangitan, at ikaw ginoo… na patuloy na nagbibigay sa kanya ng hamon ng pag-asa… kasama ka…kasama ka…

sa bawat hakbang, sa bawat pag-himbing, sa bawat huni ng ibon, nakasulat sa mga tala ang kabuuan, ang katotohanan… sa pag-daloy ng tubig-dagat sa kanyang mga dibdib at sa bawat ihip ng hangin na dumadampi sa kanyang mga pisngi…tanging iisang tanglaw lamang…

read.

2011-01-17T14:51:00.000-08:00

i devour books like how i eat a fudge brownie topped with coffee-flavored ice cream with chocolate swirls. i nibble the words like it's gouda cheese aged for five years. i linger on the wisdom i get from every pages like how i drink wine...i savor it... i relish it...

and these are my current finds:

out of the depths of my happy heart wells a great tide of love and prayer for this priceless treasure that is confided to my lifelong keeping. you cannot see its waves as they flow toward you, darling, but in these lines you will hear...the distant beating of its surf - mark twain to olivia langdon

a man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as he can invent pleasure. i don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. i want to use them, to enjoy them and to dominate them. - oscar wilde

when i look at the solar system, i see the earth at the right distance from the sun to receive the proper amounts of heat and light. this did not happen by chance. - isaac newton

no great thing is created suddenly. there must be time. give your best and always be kind. - epictetus

logic will get you from A to B. imagination will take you everywhere. - albert einstein

as your faith is strengthened, you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will and that you will flow with them to your great delight and benefit. - wingate paine

to believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all; but to believe in the unseen is a triumph and a blessing. - abraham lincoln

desiderata

2011-01-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

as far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

if you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

but let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

be yourself. especially do not feign affection.

neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

you are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

and whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

be cheerful. strive to be happy.

every time i visit my auntie mary and uncle manny's house in california, i make it a habit to read "desiderata" and other tidbits of wisdom strewn beautifully all over their walls. every nook and cranny of their home bespeaks of wisdom, love, faith, hope and trust. it renews me. it reinvigorates my spirit. it refreshes me. it is a gift. thank you.

some of the things i love about my aunt mary and uncle manny's home :)

pasko :)

2010-12-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love! ~Hamilton Wright Mabie

Christmas is forever, not for just one day,

for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away

like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.

The good you do for others is good you do yourself...

~Norman Wesley Brooks, "Let Every Day Be Christmas," 1976

you are my greatest gift...you are my treasure...you are my riches, zaila ♥

nanay, you're my fortress, my bestfriend, so lucky to have you in my life...

paping, my main man :)

kuya nikki...my utol :)

sheng, the best sister in the whole world..

my beautiful nieces...

thank you for treating my like your own :)

my wish is to be able to spend christmas with all of you once again ♥

a birthday photo essay for "MY Z"

2010-11-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

you are a fighter. you are born a fighter. i thought i will lose you at one point, but, you were a strong baby. you were so tiny when you were born, just merely 4.8 pounds. fragile. tiny. so delicate, you were. beautiful. an angel. you brought so much joy to my life...

the world is yours, sweetheart. never rush. explore. discover. learn. enjoy. embark on a great adventure. love. care. reach out. believe. trust. PRAY. give thanks. time will always be on your side. no matter what. when things ARE RIPE, it will HAPPEN. when things are right, it will ENSUE. your desires. hopes. dreams. goals. wishes. there will be times when things will seem to go against what you thought it should be.... but, always remember... it is during these times that a new and beautiful path is being paved for you. it is during these times that an enthralling treasure awaits you. so, keep calm. stay centered. KEEP ON...

be patient. unceasingly. the universe is so full of wisdom. it is omniscient, omnipresent. re-directing your path at times. infusing unexpected changes in your life. giving you a WONDERFUL SURPRISE. teaching you a lesson or two. learn from it. it will perpetually shape you to become the most beautiful person you can possibly be. ALLOW IT.

within you lies an immense and glorious power for you to become who you want to be... ACKNOWLEDGE IT. most of all, be kind to yourself. love yourself.

have a happy birthday, darling!<3 happy birthday, zaila! :)

love and prayers,

mama

it has its time...it will not be late

2010-10-11T14:48:00.001-07:00

they say google has almost all the answers to questions one may ever have, "what are the health benefits of asparagus?", "how many calories will i burn if i use the stairmaster for 15 minutes?", "when will i ever get married?!?". oh no, NOOoo...did that just slip through my mind...the thought so compelling that my fingers just started pounding it on my QWERTY keypad before i can even help my self?

i am so glad that google has no answer for that one particular question...i don't know. there is PURE JOY in not knowing what will happen next. there is bliss when you let go and let life take its natural course. everything has its time. it will come. it will not be late. <3

10-08-10
at the fort lauderdale airport bound for las vegas for my friend's wedding <3
6:45 pm :)

P.S. so excited to see my friends in highschool :)

summer ... things i've learned, discovered and re-discovered

2010-08-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

a very special and dear friend of mine told me to always be happy and that life is too short to sulk...what if i'm sad or depressed or stressed or just plain out of it, i retorted...he said, sleep... i laughed... but his words hold the truth. sometimes, life need not be taken too seriously because it will take care of itself.

it's amazing how changes can dramatically change and transform one's life. rainer maria rilke struck right through the core when he wrote one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star. so, here are the things that summer lovingly bestowed on me, bejeweled moments, traveling, food, wine, laughter, joy, culture & arts, friendship, family, the unknown and so many more...

traveling
travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind. ~seneca
i've always loved traveling. i grew up a nomad. a new scenery, experiencing unfamiliar places, trudging unknown paths enrich me. it's like a whole new world opens up right before your eyes. it's an endorphin for the soul. one thing i've learned though is to always note the time difference between states because you might be left behind by your plane while you line up waiting for your cafe mocha in starbucks. lastly, travel light and always have a good book for company.

food
food is an adventure. food is best enjoyed with friends and loved ones. food is an art. food beckons like a lover... :) i can eat food and still talk about food...

mass transportation
i can give up my car anytime of the day for mass transportation. i had an amazing experience when i took the subway in L.A. on my way to the library. mass transportation does not only move people, it is also a way to make a connection with people even if for just a fleeting moment. on that day, a woman was sitting beside me and she was so enamored with the scent i had on that she even took out her small notebook and pen from her purse then asked me to write it down for her. she barely spoke english but i understood her right away. that was a nice suprise. i know there are concerns about safety and efficiency as well but it can work...europe is a prime example and the philippines too...but that will be for another blog...

family
family is like eating a selecta's double-dutch chocolate ice cream on a gloomy day. they make you feel soooo good, loved and cared for. they say what you treasure is where your heart is. my treasure is my family. my treasures are my friends.

the self
i realized that there are times when one need not respond or act immediately to a particular situation. pause. rewind. pause again. pause some more. ultimately, the wisest decision or the right choice will dawn on you which would have not come if you were in a haste.

happiness is always within reach. one must be open and allow it to enter. neither the past nor the future exists, now is what we only have...

had so much fun traveling this summer ♥

i'm in dimsum heaven :)

the metro in L.A.

i'm with my family in milwaukee

lol ♥

three years

2010-07-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

where we love is home--home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. ~ ol iver wendell holmes

when was the last time i saw you? you were just 11 years old then. you were in the cusps of your childhood & teenage-hood... slowly transitioning to receive more challenges and awesome adventures in life. how many parent-teacher's conferences did i miss? i am sure that your teachers have a lot of great things to say about you... that i am sure of. studying is a joy to you. school is your wonderland. how remarkable you have grown!

when was the last time i saw you? it's been three years now and how my heart aches for you... but california is not going anywhere... mama will always be waiting for you until you're ready to go... up and away... across the pacific ocean...

i came to your room when i was about to make one of the biggest decisions in my life. i was confused and afraid, then calmness overcame me when you said to be discerning in prayer... to seek guidance in every step and in every decision i make. in the end you told me to do what i think and feel is right... you never interfered... you were just there to support me... fully present... fully available to my needs. i miss the warmth of your embrace... your hearty laughter... the delicious meals you prepare for us... i miss your faith...your strength as a mother, a wife and a woman. i miss going to church with you where we kneel side by side in silence and contemplation. i love you, maming as you are fondly called by your grandkids.

you must be very proud of me when you heard that i bought my first car, ever!!! i became prey to corporate america. i had the upper hand, i could have demanded what i wanted and needed. i could have walked away to find a better deal. but the thought of doing it on my own was so exhilirating!!! and your daughter is still learning the ways of life. but yes, i did get a good deal paping!

you will always be my number 1 hero amidsts your frailties, your weaknesses... you will always be someone i look up to. as i have grown more mature, i learned that there is beauty and love in imperfections. things are always good and brighter if you look from a different vantage point.

i miss thee, my little sister. this is the longest time we have been away from each other's reach. i miss your graceful stance, your motherly presence. you are actually more of an ate to me than i to you. i admire the way you are thriving with the demands of family life. you have grown into your own. you are amazing!

i miss our long walks to pink sisters together. those were the times when we had some of our best conversations. we talked about our dreams, our plans, our visions for the future. we mapped it up above the blue sky before us. everything seemed distant then. now, here we are. great opportunities abound, blessings are pouring like rain. there were times and episodes in our lives when were devastated and crushed to the ground. we thought we were alone then. you were alone in your world. i was tethering between desperation & a breakthrough. we made it! and we will continue making it, my dearest brother.

you are my angels, my joy. you never fail to amaze me. a hard day at work vanishes completely every time i nestle with you wrapped around my arms. you will always be my inspiration. i love you both, alex and ayn.

i have known you 33 years of my life. you're the mighty road warrior. you took me far and wide...far and wide. my mind was so rich with dreams every time i step inside your rusty and old interior. you were an amazing companion throughout my journey. in those rides, in those trips i have made...i was made closer to my goals. i do not know where this life will take me 5 years from now, i don't even know where it will take me today. but, i will live a good life... i will strive to choose to always...do good...

rainer maria rilke

2010-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

i believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
i want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

if this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what i need to say:
may what i do flow from me like a river
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
i will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

~rainer maria rilke~

i am not afraid

2010-07-01T05:09:00.000-07:00

i am not afraid to take risks,
i am not afraid to venture into new realms,
i am not afraid to stand by my convictions and stick to what is right,
i am not afraid to say no,
i am not afraid of life,

i am not afraid of... my self

For Pedro :)

2010-06-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

this has been so long overdue...

another year signals a bright future ahead and great challenges you will certainly surmount. you put your heart and soul in everything that you do. you always push yourself to the limit and that is one of your most admirable traits.

your passion breeds success and remarkable feats. when i first went to your race, i thought i will be slowly churned on the embers of boredom. but, i found myself wiping a tear as you reached the finish line. wasn't it one of your best times? you were in your best form. muscles and wit in motion. and so, medals after medals and some injuries here and there...you are still a mighty and formidable runner.

i remember the time you took me to my driving test. you could not even bear to look my way as i went around the parking lot. i was so tensed. fifteen minutes later, i received my license. it only proves how excellent a teacher you are, armed with your plastic water bottles, disguised as poles, i dare not hit while practicing to park.

there were days when i was lonely and all a gloom. so, i will step out of my make-shift room and let myself be sandwiched by nancy and you in your comfortable bed...and we will just talk hours on end...as your words of encouragement fill the air, i breathe it all in...that was home to me...

have a happy birthday, pedro! salud to more great things to come! salud to your dreams and lifelong pursuits! te quiero, amigo!

abril <3

our first "winter night" in florida

our first cook-out

frisbee whopee :)

an unforgettable trip to key west

♥ ♥

gangsta...waiting for the bus to take us home

fat tuesday in key west

pedro is ready to hit the sack :)

happy birthday, danna

2010-06-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

i met you almost three years ago at the US embassy in manila. we were one of the many people waiting in line for the big interview with the consul. you were so full of zest and life and your hearty laughter resonates the carefree spirit that you are known for. you were fully in the moment, in your best element. while i was so serious and nervous fidgeting my way to the window gasping for air as i clasp my sweaty palms together in silent prayer, you remained calm and even nonchalant not wary of the result. we both made it. it was a big step in our lives, a major milestone. and i am truly blessed that God sent you my way...

and here we are... we shared fond memories, we cried rivers of tears, we took a shower under the rain, enjoyed sleepovers while watching free movies on-line hunching over the small LCD screen, we battled menacing hardships at work with grace and faith...in the end we realized that those experiences and obstacles were essential for us to become a better person.

last week you accompanied me for some girl bonding...where else would it be...surely, it's at the mall...while i was trying something on i stared back at you...as you sit with your big cute tummy cradling baby patrick inside...you still managed to lovingly fix stuff for me making sure it will fit me perfectly...you were there...all of you...your presence...your time...i realized how lucky i am to have you in my life...

and so, a new chapter unfolds... you will be a mother soon. i am intoxicated with excitement and happiness. you may have your share of fears and doubts but you will do just excellent. i am always near.

happy birthday, danna. i love you.

p.s. naiyak naman ako habang sinusulat 'to :)

we used to take public transport :)

pinoy food! pinoy fiesta!

danah's beetle

cheesecake factory

danita and nancita

new post

2010-05-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

i have so much time in my hands now. i can delve in things that i have not paid attention to of late because of time constraints and an uber tight work schedule... i can start writing again... and be creative with words...paint it with colors...bring it to life with raw emotions and life's subtleties... there are a sea of possibilities to take on...i can travel and fill my senses with beauty, culture and a warm doting company. i can switch roles and become a student once again as i work on making my dreams manifest and expand to unknown heights. i can have more time to attune myself to a healthier way of living. yoga is one good vehicle to keep me aligned to it. i can read more books and have my oh so good coffee mocha within reach. i can start preparing for my big christmas trip bound for home... and...

i can take more risks and keep my sight to what is ahead of me...

taking life by the hand

2010-03-19T05:59:00.000-07:00

"falling into the deepest desperation gives you the chance to find your true nature. just as dreams come alive when you least expect them to, so will the answers to questions you cannot unfold. let your instinct build a trail of wisdom, and let your fears be diminished by hope."

a lot of beautiful, wonderful things transpired in the passed 32 months. dreams were achieved, visions realized. i traveled to wondrous places full of delights and discoveries. some of the places i visited used to be just a page from a book or a photo from flickr. i finally get to see them and bask in their allure. as a treat, these trips were generous with the company of people i greatly admire. i am truly blessed.

forthwith, i will continue to gently take life by the hand as i...

walk, walk, walk,

dream, dream, dream,

pray, pray, pray,

for the deepest desires of my heart...

peace

2010-01-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

if there is peace,
there is love,

if there is love,
there is no fear,

if there is no fear,
there is trust,
faith,
hope,
surrender,
and the patience to see the season change...

day 2 - take a walk with me

2009-12-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

i woke up to a beautiful california morning. i had tuyo, sinangag, talong. spanish bread and coffee for breakfast. all the filipino goodies i haven't devoured for a long time. i am sure to gain weight in no time :)

i explored my uncle's neighborhood. the view is breath-taking... it feels foreign. everything seems so different from what i'm used to in florida. but who knows someday...i might call this place home...

spanish bread and coffee

tuyo, talong and sinangag

day 1 - a journey back to me

2009-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

this has been a wonderful and magnificent year. albeit, unexpected things occurred. most of it, turned out to be a blessing and of great significance in my growth as a person, a woman, a mom, a friend, a worker...a partner. there were days when things seem to drown me in complete stupor that i just wanted to wither and give up the dream, the vision, the ideals i nurture within me. but, the will to see my dreams to reality is so much stronger. the desire to be more than my weaknesses, my frailties, my failings compelled me to stand up and move forward. and, i will always remain steadfast in my faith that everything is taken cared of. all i need to do is let the MAIN MAN have a hand in everything i do, everything i conceive, everything i desire...and in HIS perfect time everything will be born to reality.

this has been a marvelous year. no, i was not insulated from pain, from layoffs, from a speeding ticket, from stress, from suffering...still, i am grateful for all of those things and i will not have it any other way. lessons were unearthed. lessons were re-learned. lessons helped me adjust my sails and heed a new direction. lessons made me realize that some of the things i needed were not an end itself but a beginning of yet another journey....and it takes preparation...and i need to be molded so that i will show up one day ready to assume a new role...hence, i will take this time to devote my time to myself, my family, my friends and my community...thereafter, give more of myself...share more of myself...be of service.... radiate goodness and love.

this has been a love-filled year and i look forward to a new one to come into fruition filled with blessings, joys, triumphs, and glorious celebration of life.

insights

2009-11-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

change is always for the better...always

everything is divinely coming together. trust. patience. joy. love. you are beholden. keep going

change is an elixir for new things to come into your life. resist not. persist not. embrace and receive it openly

anticipate and desire the best things in life and it will come

be mindful. be aware. be discerning. listen. attune yourself

trust in the process of life

situations are neither good nor bad...they are just...well...situations

pray

salamat

2009-11-23T16:45:00.001-08:00

for all the good and the bad,
for joy and despair,
for healing and pain,
for beginnings and endings and beginnings,
for peace and tribulations,
for calm and madness,
for solitude and togetherness,
for prayers answered and dreams being conceived...
for abundance and poverty,
for life's mystery and brilliant surprises,
for oneness,
for love and love,
for love...

thank you.

steady ka lang...

2009-10-11T07:47:00.001-07:00

you have to be broken, to become whole again...
there are no right or wrong choices... life has a way of correcting itself...
overcome yourself, win the battle within you...
relinquish control, lose it, to gain it...

at times,
life needs to pause,
life needs to be in neutral motion,
so that greater awareness will resurface...

answers to questions aren't forced,
it will arise when you do not resist,

life is real, open your eyes...
to both its beauty and lackluster...

lose it, to gain it...

simula

2009-10-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

a chapter ends....
and a new one....
begins...
fresh...
bold...
light...
joy...
celebrate...
it is not the end of the world...
look into your heart...
search for answers...
it is within you...
you do not need to look further...

brave..
toughen up...
head up...
steady...
stand still...
be still...
silence...
relish it...
for when happiness comes...
it will have a greater magnitude than the pain you're nourishing...

look...look...up
take a flight...
travel alone...
discover..NY...
discover yourself...
learn...
stand up...
stand up...
what was lost...
was actually gained...

fear not....
fear not...
fear not yourself...
fear not love...
begin anew...

dasal

2009-08-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

i pray to thee..not for easy, lackadaisical days...not for a facile toil...a facile victory...
i pray to thee that i may share and gave all that is within me...all that i can ever be...

i pray to thee...please be my guide, be my light...as i begin yet another journey...

i may doubt and be overtaken by fear,
anxiety oveflows like that of a coffee froth,
a deluge of thoughts falls from the skies like an avalanche,

but i will remain steadfast, strong and faithful to your word,

i pray to thee,
please be always at my side,

strengthen my spirit,
strengthen my mind,
my body,
that i may inspire...
and ignite a sparkle in other people's lives...

choose

2009-08-07T09:28:00.001-07:00

i choose my thoughts...
i choose how i feel...
i choose what i feel...
i choose to look everything in perspective...in all angles...in all corners...in all edges...

i choose to look away from mistrust,
insecurities,
obscureness,
i choose to fight my demons,
battle them with faith, love, humility, kindness, compassion, benevolence and hope,

i choose to fight my doubts,

i choose to trust myself.

a year and one more

2009-07-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

dreams coming into fruition,
prayers in flight,
prayers fluttering in the skies,
hovering ,
listless,
far and away,
alas alight on
the palm of my hand,

trouble,
trouble,
pain,
downtrodden,
esteem me into being,
raise me to the heavens,
lift,
lift,
lift me up,

keep your head up,
you fighter you,
stop,
don’t stop,
keep on,
walk toward your purpose…
realize,
materialize…

writing to celebrate my second year of stay here in the U.S.

?

2009-07-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

what makes you sad?

a gloomy day
a blackberry under performing
not having your way
home... being so far away from home... 2 years... 3 years...5 years...10 years... you need to go home...one day soon...don't you hope soon comes forth like spring...ushering forth re-birth...flowering...blooming...renewing...life in full bloom...coming in full circle
not eating taho for almost 2 years now
not eating sinigang, lechon paksiw, paksiw na pata... you miss nanay's cooking don't you
davao being so far far far far far far far far far far far far away
not riding a jeepney...forgetting how fun it was to ride and just ride amidst poverty, despite seeing and living a third-world quality of life...
missing home...

gratitude

2009-06-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

i only have gratitude in my heart amidst turmoil, amidst challenges, amidst disappointments, amidst failings, i only have gratitude in my heart...

amidst love, amidst faith, amidst joy, amidst glee, amidst triumphs...

maraming maraming maraming salamat...

happy mada's day!

2009-05-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

i hope there was a daughter's and son's day too...to celebrate how wonderful you are...and that you give life meaning and essence...and that you bring so much joy and glee...and that your angels sent from above...and that you bring peace and calmness to a weary mind and tired body...

i hope there was a daughter's and son's day too...to celebrate your life flowing, progressing, ebbing yet flowing and progressing again...

32

2009-04-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

where have you been all this time?

my life has been a wonderful journey of ups and downs, of great strides and hard work, of failure and glory, of love and family. everything used to be a distant dream, a figment of my imagination. literally, it was 9,302 miles away. yes, that far. striving to sail through it and finally reach the mile end is only just the beginning. henry david thoreau once wrote, "i have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." he brought the truth and reality to the fore. i believe that we must continually endeavor to seek ourselves in the pursuit of our dreams, look within and constantly have an introspection of things that matters the most.

whew!

2009-03-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

breathe...
slow down...
you'll get there...

unos

2008-10-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

open your heart,
open your mind,
open your eyes,
then, you'll know the answer...

nothing is amiss,
everything that you seek,
everything that you need
is within you and around you...

you need not go far,
you need not walk a mile,
nor barricade you from yourself,
nor create a fortress so high only to collapse on top of you,
sit still in silence...

open your heart,
open your mind,
open your eyes,
love is the answer.

=)

2008-09-30T08:05:00.000-07:00

today,
when i woke up,
i came to a realization,
not to allow myself to be defeated, instead,
i will heed and rise above the challenge...
and leave a good mark before i leave to follow the desires of my heart...
to create, to influence, to become an instigator, an initiator....
to affect, to make better, to represent, to commune, to communicate,
to make happen...

... =) .... =( .... =)

2008-09-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

be happy...
with...
or...
without...

3 holes

2008-09-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

self-destruct. self-worth. self-esteem. don't push people away. inadequacy. incompetence. i hate bowling. i loved bowling... right before time was called. let go. brush it off. keep your ground. don't get suck in. expand. expound. explore. surrender & stand apart from your emotions. mirror. what do you see. know you. love you. then, you may begin to love those around you.

random

2008-09-06T07:23:00.001-07:00

i miss home. people in south florida are starting to stack food and gasoline for any untoward event that ike might lash out on the region come monday or tuesday. it is totally different from what i remember back home. tropical depression would mean no school, hot, thick and sweet home made champorado, and lots of t.v. and screaming too as we dance under the rain, tapping our feet in a puddle, melodious laughter resonating in the air. i miss home. i have a lot of responsibilities and work to do now, a part time job in the downtown area keeps me pre-occupied, keeps me alive. i feel blessed. i've been wanting to delve in urban and regional planning. finally, i was given the chance. it was sheer luck and perfect timing, i supposed. i just stepped in the office of the department chair one summer day. told him i'll volunteer and work for free. please use my gray matter for whatever purpose it might serve you. i am pinay, willing to serve and give beyond what is ask of me. free services, sir. free services for me to learn and grow and contribute. no, we will pay you. we have a problem. we need someone to teach planning to college juniors. are you up for the job? pretty amazing, huh? you didn't quite expect it. you got the job right off the street. overwhelmed and dizzy from disbelief, i was without any thought for a few seconds. yes, i am up for it. i miss home. when can i ever taste sinigang or walk to merco's with z, ayn, lexi and sheng to buy selecta's cookies and cream. went and dined with andrew in several restaurants around the area. good conversations, you-always-warm my heart company, delicious food (wish you were here guys to share those special and not so special moments too), unfamiliar ambience, great service. i am blessed. i couldn't ask for anything more. i miss home. i hope soon will come tomorrow.

2008-08-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

be happy.

i am giving myself the chance

2008-07-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

to love...
and be love...

i miss you, Z...

2008-07-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

tomorrow will signal a year away from my family...
and, i am aching... that i couldn't write and put my thoughts together...

i miss you, darling...

i'll come home to you soon...

i love you, Z...with all of my heart, mind and soul.

liham

2008-07-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

dearest zaila,

i went to the library today. my spot is usually at the second floor, in a table, a minuscule of an inch away from an all glass wall. that luxurious spot offers a good view of university drive. it's bright and lovely outside. the natural light that streaks through the glass pane aids my eyes in reading. they couldn't focus as good as the year that passed. mama needs a new pair of eyeglasses.

as i walked up the stairs, my feet suddenly stopped and demanded that i sit in an empty table in the kids section a couple of feet away.

as i sat amidst the stuff toys, children's literature, my heart ached for you. a week ago, you told me you just finished reading charlotte's web and you got bored reading the chronicles of narnia and that you missed prince caspian at the movies and get smart too. and i told you about the sequel to madagascar. i remembered we had a lot of fun watching the first installment in sm davao. it never came to me that dreamworks will create a follow up to it.

i browsed through all the leaves of the children's books my hands could get hold of. all i can think of was you. the joy of you. the life of you.

then, an image came, a vision flashed.

you, sitting right across me, devouring the hobbit or probably you'll ask me for a pen and a paper so that you can write another short story. i'm guessing the title would be badminton super girl.

now, i'm in barnes and noble. mama has to stopped reading about urban sprawl for a minute because her eyes are already complaining. the words in a page seemed to polarize into one big, black dot.

totally unlike our future. the future will be something definite, coherent and tangible.

i love you, zaila.

love and prayers,

mama

s.h.a.w.t.y.

2008-07-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

S aw a
H andsome young lad
A t church today
W anting to catch his attention
T urned around to meet his gaze
Y es, that was the beginning of something unexpected,
something beautiful,
something that makes the heart smile...

elixir

2008-06-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

you drank too much
that you forgot about forgetting your past
does the pain still hunt you like ghost
11 years has passed
why do you struggle
why do you fight something that has been long surpassed
why do you carry a knife and strike your self with it

words flowed like river out of your mouth
ravaging waters, the current so strong that you almost drowned
but they pulled you through
he pulled you through

shine a light on her shine a light on me
shine a light on the inside shine a light on the outside

see

2008-06-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

i see red, i see blue, i see green, i see white, i see black, i see gray, i see auburn
i see you,
tangible,
close,
near, far
open,
near, far
tomorrow's 24 hours away,
i see you,
i see today...

frail

2008-05-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

frailty, is thy name woman?
will you shatter like glass?
will you take it to heart,
every word,
every misgivings?
do you know you're beautiful?

frailty, is thy name woman?
would you like to be buried standing up,
because you spent your whole life kneeling?
do you know your strengths?

frailty, is thy name woman?
will you live up to your fullest potential
or will you let gloom cast a shadow of doubt,
and reigneth over your heart?
do you know you're a warrior?

frailty, is thy name woman?
do you know yourself so as not to seek validation or approval?
do you know the "i" in you?

alone time

2008-04-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

pitong oras ang ginugol ko ngayon sa barnes and noble. naisip kong basahin na lamang doon ang mga librong pupukaw sa aking diwa, ang mga librong maaring maging gabay ko sa patuloy na paglalayag sa buhay. kesa bilhin ko ang mga ito at gumastos pa, sasalampak na lang ako sa sahig. bukod dun pwede ko pang gawin ang mga yoga moves na natutunan ko kay rainbeau mars.

ang love affair ko sa pagbabasa ng mga libro lalo na ang mga nobela ay nag umpisa noong 21 ako. sa madaling salita, late bloomer ako pag-dating sa pagka-humaling sa libro. meron kasi akong pinsan na mahilig mag mountaineering. minsan pumunta sya sa bahay na tinutuluyan ko noon sa project 6 at iniwan nya ang kanyang mountaineering bag sa aking kuarto. nang buksan ko ito, sari-saring mga libro ang bumulaga sa akin. nandun ang nobela ni john updike na ang pamagat ay rabbit redux, ang atlas shrugged ni ayn rand at marami pang iba. dahil wala na akong magawa at nagsawa na ko sa kakapanood ng ally mcbeal binasa ko ang mga ito at doon na nag umpisang lahat ang pagkahalina ko sa mga pahinang nagsimulang kumitil sa paghawak ko ng remote control gabi-gabi.

gusto ko sana na lumagi pa ng mas matagal sa barnes and noble ang kaso kailangan ang skedyul ko ay swak sa skedyul ng bus 34. sabi nila ang kotse daw rito ay parang inuming tubig na sadyang mahalaga upang ikaw ay maging "mobile". di gaya sa atin, ang daming moda ng transportasyon. may jeepney, pedikab, tricycle, habal-habal, trisikad at kung ano-ano pa. di nakakapagtaka na pinoy ang isa sa mga nag design ng moonwalker (tama nga ba ang impormasyon ko, kailangan ko atang i-chikka text ang kuya ko para makasigurado).

nais ko pa lang ibahagi ang ilan sa mga natutunan ko sa araw na ito ------>

From Preface to the Leaves of Grass
Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul and your every flesh shall be a great poem. -Walt Whitman

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken,
I want to free what waits within me so that no one has dared to wish for may for once spring clear without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me, but this is what i need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning, I will sing to you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels into the open sea.
~Rainer Maria Rilke

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find is simply by spinning a penny.

No- not so that chance shall decide the affair while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
~ Piet Hein

No, no, you're not thinking, you are just being logical. ~ Neils Bohr

salamat

2008-04-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

thank you for this wonderful wonderful universe...
thank you for infinite possibilities...
thank you for friends from all over the world..
thank you for friends near and far...
thank you for thy graces and blessings that abound...
thank you for my daughter's laughter so contagious i wouldn't have the time to sulk...
thank you for her life...
thank you for z... thank you for z...
thank you for a drizzle on a sunny morning...
thank you for changes...
thank you for challenges...
thank you for love...
thank your for a future that are largesses of new adventures and opportunities...
thank you for long talks over the phone...
thank you for connection...
thank you for someone i have known since i was thirteen and still continues to make a difference in my life...
thank you for a healthy breakfast...
thank you for a magnificent view by my window...
thank you for "thank you"...

home

2008-03-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

i miss home more than ever. i ache for the seamless familiarity and depth it brings. eight months of not riding a jeepney can really bore a hole to a person's soul =)... i miss home...i miss my angels... i miss the simplicity of life... i miss playing frisbee out in the streets with manong pedikab driver tooting his horn as he passes by carrying a family of four. i miss manong magtataho. i always look forward to his melodic voice on saturday mornings as he shouts at the top of his lungs, "taaahoooooooo!!!" then, my angels and i will come darting toward the door carrying our mugs as we paint a big wide grin in our faces to welcome his coming. i miss rummaging vintage clothes in ukay-ukay digs. i miss SM more than ever. i miss jollibee. i miss gazing at the majestic view of mt. apo every morning. i miss davao. i miss my nanay and tatay. i miss zaila. i hope that the knowledge of having a greater purpose to serve in a foreign land (at the same time serve my country) will be enough to suffice what i am missing in my life and will give me strength in spirit to continue...

longer days

2008-03-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

google says it's the first day of spring, take a look at the masthead =)

everyday could be the first day of everything,

everyday could be full of wonder and bewilderment no matter how mundane it may seem at times. on the other hand, everyday could be a catastrophic war, a struggle within one's self. a struggle to overcome fear dictated by the external environment affecting the balance within. this is the kind of fear that pushes you to the wall and leave you with nothing but a forced smile, if you could afford one. also, fear makes you question fear. is fear an elixir to change and greatness? does the fear of losing your job make you act to become the best at it? does the fear of not living up to another person's expectations rocket launch you to an inevitable change? does the acknowledgement of fear make you strong and allow you to win a hard fought battle? does the awareness of fear, its nagging presence, allow you to know thy enemy (which sometimes could be your own self) and therefore know thy self in the process?

fear does it all. fear destroys and rebuilds. fear shatters and recreates.fear can be fought. fear can be won.

teeth

2008-02-24T05:43:00.000-08:00

if i can feel the wind and hear it sing a song for me,
if i can walk, look up and see birds fly in V formation,
if i can look on a map and never get lost,
if i can see a familiar face and be happy and be glad for company,
if i can think and emit positive thoughts even if i feel that my heart outruns my mind,
even if i feel that all of my teeth are about to fall off,
even if hardships are certainly uncertain,
even if home is still a wide a gap between today and tomorrow,
even if my intentions are still milling,
even if my prayers are still hovering above the cosmic space yet to be manifested...
and, even if everything be lost...

i am grateful for today.

spring, i await...

2008-02-02T04:32:00.000-08:00

cannot churn the words
for my thoughts to be expressed
am i high
am i low
am i progressing
or am i retrogessing

shall i tower over them
or win them over
these kids who holds the future
these kids with springy hair for a day
and an afro the next
these kids whom i have hope for
these kids whose eyes light up for sweets and treats
but are quick to lash in a sec

i thought love was key to holding them in
it ain't love
it ain't love
it ain't love
it's TOUGH love

pit senyor!

2008-01-21T05:47:00.000-08:00

pit senyor!

i've been to cebu a couple of times before... the city never stops to enchant me. aside from its proximity to white sand beaches, its well-planned vertical development that is sure is eye candy (lahug is beautiful both day and night), the people are warm, known for their strong faith and devotion.

i've been to cebu a couple of times before... but the trip is always for something else that i never got the chance to witness the sinulog festival. finally, i was able to savor the experience yesterday. it's rather ironic that i have to be so far away from home to have a taste of my own culture and heritage...but i did anyway....in south florida. man, it was A.W.E.S.O.M.E!

pit senyor, which means to call God, were chanted so loudly as the people swayed and danced to give thanks and honor sto. nino. it felt good to be surrounded with pinoys and pinays after six months of being away from home. aside from this experience being so surreal and refreshing, i appreciated my country more. i felt a strong sense of community. and i've never sang "Lupang Hinirang" so proudly until yesterday.

there was also an extra treat apart from the good food served to us. i remember reading somewhere that we can powerfully intend and attract something through our thoughts... prior to attending the sinulog festivity ~ i intended my day to be full of fun and merriment. it did happen. the night before, i was wanting to have my photo taken by a professional photographer, i thought the experience would be glam ~ it did happen...and it was for free! a kind photographer took a picture of my friends and me.

good food! good company! sway to the beat of sound, dance, chant ~ pit senyor! proud to be pinay!

fine

2008-01-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

though the sun is amiss, it's a fine weather still
it's cold and windy outside
i slid the door open to let new air circulate inside my room...
it's been a while
it's been a while since i last wrote here...

the new year left me in a daze for days
it shook me a little bit more than what i thought i could handle
alas, i am here...
keeping on living

wish list

2007-12-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

concert tickets and a shirt

what am i here for?

2007-12-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

somehow, i lost track of my goal. living in an entirely different country with an established norms and standards, a set of values so foreign to me, i became a passive participant to the changes happening around me. i was not stirred to action. instead, i became prey to the strangeness and toughness of my new work environment. i allowed it to eat me alive. its claws ripping my skin of blood, it's fangs as sharp as that of a panther, ready to bite for the day's hunt.

what am i here for?

somehow, i was left disconnected to my core values. i was lost in being lost. i have forgotten that i am here first to learn and then to teach, that i am first a student and then a teacher. i am here to look into each of my students' eyes and firmly believe that they are stars that needs to be illuminated and guided, so, they may realize that each of them carry a spark that could light the darkest night.

i believe in my purpose. i have everyday to discover it.

wake-up call

2007-12-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

live up to your full potential.

gusto kong matutong mag-drive

2007-12-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

drove from school to boca raton then to sr 441. it was fun!!!

musika

2007-11-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

sleep

we call him "papa felix"

2007-11-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

we call him papa felix because that is just the way he is to all of us. he came from a country which is part of central america. it's one country i would like to visit one day to go scuba diving.

during our first few weeks here, he became our official chauffeur. he would make our commute very comfortable and safe. he would patiently wait on us as we do our paperworks not minding the time that he can spend luxuriously on his own. he satisfied our craving for ice cream when we first received our pay-checks. i took long walks with him so very early in the morning one saturday without feeling tired. took my first sip of starbucks ice-blended coffee in the states with him. it was a fine time.

and i appreciated him more each day because of his contagious positivity. a lot of things happened to him the past few days, i would probably crumble if i were in his shoes. but papa felix can only utter "life is beautiful".

i was having a stressful day yesterday. it was so bad, i wanted to quit. but when asked how his day was like papa felix would just smile and say "today is for dancing in the rain."

today while i was about to end my day at work, papa felix wait on me and asked, "how was your day, april?" i answered, "beautiful!"

thanksgiving

2007-11-22T13:38:00.000-08:00

thank you for auntie anne's pretzels and chocolate vanilla ice cream,
and for arms that i can cling unto,
thank you for answered prayers, for blessings that abound,
thank you for togetherness, for precious moments that seemed built in a dreamscape only that it is real,
thank you for champorado, adobo, kare-kare and choc-nut that makes me feel i'm never far away from home,
thank you for zaila, for her life, for her spirit that surrounds me wherever i may be,
thank you for challenges and hardships that inspire me to do better in life,
thank you for friends who are the closest thing to angels,
thank you for a walk in the mall,
thank you for my first goal in soccer,
thank you for flying 6 hours so you could visit me,
thank you for teaching me how to drive...

mood swings

2007-11-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

sometimes i'm up, sometimes down,
i would like to be left alone and keep to myself
but the company that joy and friendship offers is a more potent force than seclusion and moodiness,
life is meant to be lived after all =)

3 buwan

2007-10-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

magta-talong buwan na pala ako dito bukas. ang bilis talaga ng panahon. dati rati pinapangarap ko pa lang na makarating dito. kaya ko nga sinumulan ang pagba-blog noong nakaraang taon dahil ito ang naging outlet ko sa lahat ng mga hirap at pagsubok na dinanas ko maisakatuparan lamang ang pangarap kong mabigyan ng magandang kinabukasan ang aking pamilya.

naalala ko pa ang mga panahong kailangan kong gumising ng madaling araw upang matawagan lang ang mga ahensya at eskwelahan na maaaring makapagbigay ng trabaho sa akin. minsan pa nga sa opisina ako natutulog para maisaayos ang lahat.

iba talaga ang pakiramdam pag ang isang bagay na minimithi mo ay pinaghihirapan mo at nakamtan mo.

ngunit sa isang banda, marami akong sakripisyong kailangang gawin. marami din akong mga realizations. halimbawa na lamang ng pag-sakay ng dyip. di ko akalaing mami-miss ko ang pagbigkas ng "para" o kaya "lugar lang 'nong". hina-hanap hanap ko ang therapeutic effect ng pagsakay ng dyip kahit pa ba nakakalanghap ako ng maitim na usok. nami-miss ko din ang paki kipag patintero sa mga dambuhalang bus, dyip, at kotse habang tumatawid ng kalsada. ang pag-uwi bandang hapon, habang binabaybay ko ang daan patungo sa aming tahanan...ang dahan-dahang pag-bukas ng aming gate at pintuan...at tatambad sa aking paningin ang mga bata na nanonood ng TV o kaya ay gumagawa ng kanilang assignment...at isa isang tatakbo patungo sa akin..dala ang pasalubong na yakap at halik...at ang davao sa kabuuan nito, sadyang walang hihigit sa tahanang kinagisnan mo kahit pa man salat ito sa materyal na karangyaan.

hina-hanap hanap ko ang gayak at saya ng aking kinagisnan...

nakaka-miss... sobra...

closer

2007-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

closer,
skin to skin,
hearing you breathe,
seeing you smile again,
as you raise my hand to your lips,

driving,
in the dark of the night,
beside you,
being with you
is
home to me.

my fortune cookie reads...

2007-10-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

"It's one of those low-key days that you'd rather spend just chilling."

i thank God for sundays,
for friends who is always afoot,
always discovering new places and takes you along with her,
in a day that is serendipitously made,
unplanned and deeply desired,

i thank God for a time of worship and prayers,
for community,
for shaking hands as each one says "may peace be with you",

i thank God for coffee shops, for bookshops,
for free reading and browsing,
as i try to look for answers,
and re-discover what i knew all this time,
but always seem to forget,

i thank God for perfect timing,
just in time for the bus,
just in time for the trip home,
just in time to do another load of my laundry,

i thank God for a free time...

i thank God.

what today looks like...and tomorrow... and the day after that...

2007-10-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

gypsy

2007-10-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

she's never been out of her country before. however, she traveled locally. her country has three main islands, she laid foot on each one of them. on her journeys, she seemed to be always half-asleep, zombie-like could be the best description for it. sometimes, she wakes up in the morning not knowing which province or city she's in. disoriented. again, zombie-like.

she has a mole on her feet. once, a superstitious old woman whom she met at a park saw it. "yours is the north", said she. corazon did not understand it until she was flying over the mountains of california. gasping and merry in wonderment while she looks at the window of the airplane, she muttered to herself, "true north".

libro

2007-10-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

these books landed on my lap serendipitously. now if only i can send a sudden jolt right through the core of my insistence to resist to write, then, that would be the day.

do you still know who you were?

2007-10-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

what were you thinking?

do you still know who you were? who you are? do you still recognize those hands that labored from early morning 'til late night? callouses overgrown, a rough patch in your hands - which reminded you of how hard it was to be far away from your family, working in a foreign land. success came as a sweet surprise to you. it came early, very early in fact that you felt king of the world when you were 32. you were king, your family adores you. and now, you say to yourself, "i am worthless." can you be compared to a beggar out on the streets asking for money? or is it really money that can quench your parched soul?

stop. look at yourself in the mirror. where have you gone? when will you come back? stop.

'tis is the b-b-q cook-out i was talking about =)

2007-09-29T19:44:00.001-07:00

routine

2007-09-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

you're doing the same things over and over again, don't you? today is the same as yesterday. tomorrow will be the same as today. but, you have the power to change all that. your day can be made different and exciting. put more texture in to your life. breathe. your eyes were so designed to capture the beauty and magnificence of things. give and give until exhaustion tires itself into sleep.

rekindle the passion in you. summon positivity and radiance back into your life. you can always do something. don't let routine run your life. have a backyard b-b-q party with friends this saturday!!!

homesick

2007-09-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

loneliness hits, dry tears, the smell of home, the kids in my midst, sinigang, adobo, davao enveloping me with her warmth lulling me to deep sleep at night...

oh, what i would give to transport myself back to home. even for just one night.

one night of love, fun and laughter. simplicity and harmony at its best.

them kids

2007-09-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

them parents of my kids in school were wonderful! them inspire me to teach better. when just the other day, i thought of looking for a different job.

tonight was our school's open house. i felt nervous and apprehensive at first. i was even hoping nobody would turn out. i'm glad i was not granted that wish. tonight made me renew my commitment to teaching. seeing the parents gave me a fresher perspective about dealing with my kids. now, everytime my kids step in the four corners of the class room -- i will see his father, his mother, his brother, his sister, his family. i will see where he came from. and i will guide him to where he wants to go...to a brighter future.

i remembered how to feel alive...

2007-09-16T09:49:00.001-07:00

dive

2007-09-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

i remember being at the bottom of the sea, touching a sea anemone, marveling at the discovery of a new and expansive world. i remember hearing my breathe quite loudly - inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... as bubbles form above me. i remember being cradled, sustained by its pristine waters. i remember trusting its omnipotence and power over me. i remember being the sea and of the sea.

eskwela

2007-08-31T19:53:00.000-07:00

this dream that came true,
a prayer answered,
a long wait,
a long time,
tomorrow is here.

keep the fire burning,
see it through their eyes,
though you may see nothing but glum,
turn it to gleam,

dangerous minds is not only a movie after all,
reality is so much more,
it cuts you through the core,

tears may fall,
as you lower your head
to welcome a day of defeat,

but,
keep the fire burning,
keep the fire burning,
pass it on...

*****
i am missing home so much =( i miss riding the jeepney every night even if it's uncomfortable. i miss coming home to the laughter of zaila, ayn and alex. i miss eating adobo, paksiw na pata and sinigang. i miss the simple pleasures that davao spoils me with...a beautiful scenery, the picturesque view of mt. apo in the morning, the sea - an extension of myself. i miss the long walks i take to the pink sisters convent. i miss my nanay and tatay. i miss seeing them together still so in-love with one another after all these years. i miss my dog. i miss my tiny room. i miss everything about my country, my heritage...

hmmm...

2007-08-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

i think i'm forgetting something. oh yeah, i have a blog.

so, this is what i've been missing for days. i've been so preoccupied with work that i didn't have the time to flex my writing, not even time to sleep way early in the evening. but, i'm not complaining. everything is a reward in itself if you know where to look. everyday becomes a new challenge. each day inspires me to become better in my craft. tomorrow makes me want to reach out to my students in ways that will make them want to learn more. nobody said it's gonna be easy. i'll find ways. i'll make ways for them. but...

i'm missing home so badly. there are instances where i don't understand what i am feeling. i can be extremely happy and sad the next. everything evens out in the end... home, after all, is where the heart is.

pictures

2007-08-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

as promised, here are some pictures. haven't had the chance to really tour the area. will share more next time.

pompano beach, florida

miami

simply bare... a fresh start
home away from home
the view from my room

f.l.o.r.i.d.a.

2007-08-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

finally, a connection to the world wide web. i've been in florida since july 27. the experience has been great so far. the place is fantastic and the people are very nice. i guess people here have a way of eyeing a new kid in town, that way, they immediately offer their help without one asking for it.

there was this one instance where i didn't have enough coins left in my purse to make a phone call and a young lady gladly offered me her cellphone. she saved me. strangers would take their time out to help you figure out how to use the machine in purchasing train tickets. a gentleman at the frontdesk will offer you a domino's pizza. a man will stop to say a compliment or two to you. they would smile and greet you.

however, bouts of homesickness do hit me... good thing is that i have family and friends here. also, i made new friends. most of them are from brazil and they are very nice people. i can't wait to learn portuguese and apply what i have learned in spanish.

on a side note, a came here via san francisco...and the city really wowed me!

pictures to come soon =)

blog update

2007-07-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

i will be leaving the country.
yes, it's my first time.
yes, i'm happy.
yes, i'm sad.
yes, i'm overwhelmed.
yes, i'm excited.
yes, i'm blue.

i feel dwarfed by God's immense blessings.
there are so many things i must take in, real fast.
this is yet the biggest risk i had taken my entire life.

changes. another phase. a new chapter. new and great adventures.

the spirit of my family and friends will keep me steadfast in faith and courage.
and when i go to sleep at night, i may be a thousand miles away,
but, i know their prayers and sweet thoughts for me will illuminate the darkness of the night.

they are my treasures, my riches,
i am connected to them,
i am bounded to them,
to them, i will always GO HOME.

until next time,
i will write again,
in another plane,
in another region,
in another time zone,
up in the southeast coast...

~beautiful gypsy~

a dream, a prayer

2007-07-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

there you are, standing right in front of me.

illusion of control

2007-07-11T20:22:00.001-07:00

If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.

from storypeople.com

a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke

2007-07-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sunset

Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colors

which it passes to a row of ancient trees.

You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you,

one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth,

leaving you, not really belonging to either,

not so hopelessly dark as that house that is silent,

not so unswervingly given to the eternal as that thing

that turns to a star each night and climbs—

leaving you (it is impossible to untangle the threads)

your own life, timid and standing high and growing,

so that, sometimes blocked in, sometimes reaching out,

one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star.