blog update

i will be leaving the country.
yes, it's my first time.
yes, i'm happy.
yes, i'm sad.
yes, i'm overwhelmed.
yes, i'm excited.
yes, i'm blue.

i feel dwarfed by God's immense blessings.
there are so many things i must take in, real fast.
this is yet the biggest risk i had taken my entire life.

changes. another phase. a new chapter. new and great adventures.

the spirit of my family and friends will keep me steadfast in faith and courage.
and when i go to sleep at night, i may be a thousand miles away,
but, i know their prayers and sweet thoughts for me will illuminate the darkness of the night.

they are my treasures, my riches,
i am connected to them,
i am bounded to them,
to them, i will always GO HOME.

until next time,
i will write again,
in another plane,
in another region,
in another time zone,
up in the southeast coast...

~beautiful gypsy~

a dream, a prayer

there you are, standing right in front of me.

illusion of control

If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.

from storypeople.com

a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke

Sunset

Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colors

which it passes to a row of ancient trees.

You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you,

one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth,

leaving you, not really belonging to either,

not so hopelessly dark as that house that is silent,

not so unswervingly given to the eternal as that thing

that turns to a star each night and climbs—

leaving you (it is impossible to untangle the threads)

your own life, timid and standing high and growing,

so that, sometimes blocked in, sometimes reaching out,

one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star.

a release...

zaila and i were merry, riding a jeepney, on our way to school. i drop zaila off before i go to work. we were happy, we were merry...laughing at ourselves for not being able to pronounce the word "magis"... we were happy, we were merry in that littlest space of ours.

then came reality...it usually has a habit (though not always) of bursting my bubble just when i thought everything is going smoothly. just when i thought that nothing can ruin my day, that i'll go smiling even when i go to bed later tonight... why is it so HARD for a dream to be realized? why do i have to agonize and feel defeated when the battle has not even began? do i have to wait a little more? am i doing anything wrong? why is this dream so haaaarrrrddddd to reach? when is it best to give up? or should the question be, when is it best to let go? ahhhhhhhhh, my heart is crumbling to pieces.... i gave so much and i will do so much more, so much more that i am willing to tear down the wall that keeps me apart from others...and be a better person, to contribute more, share more of whatever it is that i can offer.

i want to call my mother. text my friend and send huhuhuhus ;( (with a sad smiley) via sms...but i had to keep it to myself, step on the break and wait and PRAY. i do not want to lose this chance...not again.

there's always a way.

"When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you realize your desire." - Paulo Coelho

one

if i can think of one word, just one word to describe what i am feeling right now-- it's gratitude.

i am so grateful for answered prayers that seemed for quite a long time unheard by the Almighty.

i am so grateful for BIG changes, for uncertainties, for the twists and turns and bends of this road I choose to trudge for it leads me closer to what I truly must BEcome.

i am so grateful for realizing that I may sometimes walk blind and clueless and ill-equipped while i battle to chase my dreams but there is always a guiding hand, a greater power to piece together what i thought was shattered or lost or impossible.

i am so grateful.

thank you for both answered and unanswered prayers...for both are miracles and mysteries of living.

in the end, everything simply works for the BEST.