gimingaw ug maayo

i think of him
sometimes not

i miss him
sometimes not

i wonder where he is
sometimes not

i feel part of him
sometimes not

i am with him
even if i am without him

masterpiece

life is one BIG challenge i would never turn my back on. i may cry one day or feel like a failure the next or feel even battered and shattered - black and blue to the core. but, i shall befriend defeat and make it my companion. shape and transform it into glory, i shall. easy, it won't come. alone, i won't be.

ralph waldo emerson struck me most when he wrote "the world makes way for the man who knows where he is going." sometimes, circumstances may appear disjointed yet they are mystically orchestrated to produce a masterpiece for you and i...

take a step further and some more and some more and some more... it will take you far and wide. brave it.

i fear, i overcome

i was reading an old diary last night and i chance upon this entry...

august 19, 2001
somehow, i feel so incompetent, so unworthy of people's attention. i don't know why i fear talking and expressing my views in front of people. i feel paralyzed. is it because i fear being ridiculed, being laughed at, being disprove of? i just got to embrace and at the same time conquer my fears... these evils!

"your words pierces me like dagger, your demons have taken

its toll that which rots your sense of self."

in life, one faces a lot of hurdles and struggles but one must be strong and courageous, i will not let any fear, any bitterness, any harsh experiences stop me. i know God will help me... i know that He will be watching over me, closely...

free flow continued

today is THE DAY .

i woke up early than usual to prepare for my day at z's school. my precise and well-calculated movements served me right for we arrived in z's school so way ahead of time that i had the chance to take these pictures while chanting the word "relax" as my heart goes dub dub dub dub dub dub dub...

in the past, i had the chance to teach college students on a part-time basis. but, teaching gradeschoolers is a different matter. adults do speak a different language and big words and what have you. my dilemma prior to handling z's class is how do i get the message across while i keep the atmosphere fun and enjoyable. i've been so used to the grown-up environment that i forgot how my younger self felt then, when my teacher asked us to go the AVR for a lecture presentation. do you remember feeling all psyched up and excited during those times? i did. i remembered. when, i saw the wonder in the eyes of the children this morning.

pachamama was the first word i uttered to capture their attention. and from there, i knew their comprehension and knowledge and understanding is beyond what i have expected. their teachers have really done an excellent job in shaping these kid's minds. their parents i believe plays an active role in their education. i certainly can deduce it based on what transpired during my time with them.

in that short period, i felt attached to them. i felt connected once again. i felt fulfilled more than ever. i can do this forever while i blog and bake on the side =). teaching is indeed learning. one teaches what one needs to learn the most.

when i finished and wrapped up everything and the kids started to form a line and prepare to go back to their classroom, most of them, boys and girls alike, took a peek at the door to give me a warm smile and bid me goodbye. pure bliss.

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yesteryears

got no inspiration for the past few days that would compel me to write. i tried so hard to dig deep. i found these instead.

can you guess which kid am i?

i've always been different, can you tell?

throwing tantrums, my cup of tea..but hold on...that was before =)

back when i was around 20, and z's only one year old

zaila's own ballet stint. she was able to do her ballet recital, twice. i didn't =).

grace

things i am grateful for:

• holding the hands of my 11-month old niece as she tries to learn how to walk
• our huge sofa, which can fit 10 people (i'm exaggerating), because i get to laugh, cuddle and get silly with my family
• planting flowers and seeing it bloom after waiting for three months
• when z outsmarts me and teaches me instead
• catching a good film in cable (have you seen the jacket and open water?)
• sharing a bag of pillows amongst us when it's only good for one person
• the kindness of strangers
• YM voice
• sleeping on weekends
• perfect timing
• getting answers
• the internet
• this one song of justin timberlake
• november
• yesterday, today and tomorrow

blank

there are times when i just stare at a blank wall to try and conjure up an image, a thought, an idea that can lead to life's answers and solutions. i can't get through it today even if i overstuff and bloat myself with rick warren's words of wisdom. still, i believe that things has its way of piecing itself together just like that of a photo mosaic. incoherent, unrelated tens of thousands of cell images with different texture, color, gradient can actually form ONE exceptional portrait. just like how life's events and circumstances are at times, no matter how hazy or fruitless or futile it may seem - it always yields a dream realized.

arian

today, the crystal ball says:

aries (21 march - 20 april) learn to appreciate life's tough moments, for they only leave you stronger

i couldn't agree more...

free flow

last week, zaila asked me if i was good in giving out speeches. confident as i am, i answered her with a resounding "yes!" she just smiled and said, "mama, wait for a text message for that will surely be put to a test (insert a sheepish wink and a wide grin here)." surely, the text message came this morning. z's school is inviting parents who can handle one of the children's values education class that promotes the concern for the environment. and my beautiful daughter volunteered me to become part of it. yes, she acted true to her own accord and free will. yes, i have no idea what to do. still, i accepted the invitation.

i am excited and thrilled and dreadful at the same time. i've never had the chance to teach a bunch of 10 year old kids (so well advanced to their ages), with my daughter as one of them! sure, we do her homework together. we study together and i admit that i can be a little bit pushy at times. but, knowing how z's little nose can turn up so smart on me, i better know my chlorofluorocarbons and particulate matters by heart.

anyway, i've been missing the classroom of late, i hope that this will be a fun-filled learning experience for the kids. this is something that i'd like to exhaust my creative energy with. i will let you know how it turns out, that is if i can come out of the classroom alive =).

s.o.s

if you are faced with making a decision of such great magnitude that can influence how your future comes into fruition, how do you actually come up with a singular choice in a sea of possibilities?

instinct.
gut feel.
fate.
destiny.
free will.
pros and cons.
sleep.

sigaw

naku mga ka-bloggers, mukhang ang mga susunod na talata ay sadyang mabigat at puno ng karukhaan ng isipan at damdamin...kaya kung ako sa iyo..."go to the next blog na" o di naman kaya ay pindutin mo na ang ekis sa gawing kanan at taas ng iyong "lcd screen" at wag ng pag-aksayahan ng panahon ang aking pag-ngawa. o di kaya ay bisitahin mo na lang itong site na 'to, matatawa ka pa. so, nasan na nga ba ako? hmmm, nakalimutan ko na... tsaka na lang ulet pag naalala ko.

i am my mother's daughter

this morning, while waiting for a jeepney to take us to town, my nanay, z and i were having an animated conversation. we were laughing so hard about something. i just forgot what it's all about. i spoiled the fun for you, huh!? =) yeah, i am quirky that way.

anyway, there was something in our sunshiney exchanges that compelled my nanay to search for her bags (she carries more than two bags everyday. call it her security blanket.) she was looking intently for something z and i have no idea of. she stormed her bags with much force but not like the way typhoon milenyo did just recently in luzon. her fingers, which are beautifully shaped like candles, obliged to her endless search. with her bag fully opened, i caught sight of the books she carries everyday, her antique wallet (now, i have an idea what to give her this christmas), her perfume, her make-up, her j.lo. shades (she's kikay too!). until finally, she gasped! in between her fingers is an atm receipt. at the back is something she wrote. it was taken from a newspaper she read on a sunday. and then, she read it loud for us to hear.

"your children are not your children. they are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. they come through you but not from you...you are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

"it's by kahlil gibran" she said. "ain't it beautiful!" she added. z and i just looked at her and then to one another. and with that, we understood. we understood how we can be each other's bow.

state of mind

a wife scurries through the airport to catch the 3pm flight out of the city. she's an inch closer to losing her self, "oh god, will my husband survive the accident?" a boy writes santa in september, "all i want for christmas is for you to give what others pray for." a beautiful bride walks down the aisle fully ready to be one with another, "forever lasts." a woman is faced with the greatest challenge of her life, almost ready to give up reads, "i know well the plans i have for you; plans for your welfare and not for woe." a man up north, stuck in traffic, dreams of only one woman every second of the day, "i will see her again."

a wife. a boy. a bride. a woman. a man. you - what's your current state of mind?